I Am Worthy

by BizMum

You always tell yourself, “I am worthy.” So spoke a great man. A man whom I wished I had known and understood longer and more clearly when I was little. Glimpses of those quiet lessons so long ago made no sense for many years. How could they? For so long life was fearfully awful. Terror was the name of the monsters in my life. Having nothing was immensely powerful in providing me the high, the strangely reversed feeling of loss becoming elation. It took many life lessons, many a trial to understand my father.

The Unworthy Destroyer

I once heard in a movie ‘…fools go where angels fear to tread!’ But it’s such a perfect description when I felt so unworthy of anything I desired. In fact, the greater my desire for something, the more I wanted to destroy it. I cursed myself because I saw no way of getting it. I get angry. I blame everything around me for failing my endeavours. Plates break. Relationships fail. I hated life itself. But, all that negative energy gave me such a sense of power.

I can destroy. And hell, I am so darn good at it! The emotional high I got out of it was elation at its highest. I often wondered if putting the final nail into the coffin of love would actually make me feel like a heroic figure. You know, losing a love was such a sweet melancholy episode. I don’t stand up and fight for my rights and let everyone walk all over me because that’s my psyche. So, squash a bug, or maybe let them bite the hell out of me. I refuse to eat and use the high of adrenaline so that I can tell the world I’ve been wronged! I’m hurting something, especially myself.

Wherefore art thou angels? Hear me cry for thy aid! I hope all these things sound familiar. Admit it. In one form or one episode or another, you’ve done the same things. I want your attention. Fools do these things. Why would any angel come and be here? I’ve already told my angel to give me what gave so much pleasure as I cast them right back. No, angels will not come as I remain a fool.

Worthy

Be Worthy

Tears blur the words as I recall all the foolishness. The fiery anger has left me deflated. I am too tired, too weak of mind and body to even think of all that used to be so much fun being destructive. The destroyer lion became a fluffy little kitten. I am so tired of being sick and tired and tiring everyone else who loves and used to love me. Yes, when I even let the smallest sliver of light into my dark mind, there is so much kindness and love. Angels are just outside the window of my mind playing. Singing angels was once annoying but they give me so much peace and pleasure now. Is this the connection to the universal power so well taught? Was this ray of hope what my father tried to impart me and my siblings?

Like a knife is a weapon so it is a tool for gain. I can use it to make goods, cut firewood and even prepare food. As a weapon, I slash and stab with deadly force and fearsome anger. But to be creative, takes gentle and thoughtful manipulation. I am creative, no doubt. I can build. The urge to destroy is repugnant, replaced by the endless patience of allowing everything its place to grow big and strong. I find praise wonderful, having forgotten blame. Appreciation comes the more I give it. The more I am humbled and look up to the wisdom of the ages and speakers, the more I receive the same and more. An army awaits my lead to prosperity.

Leadership is surprisingly, not just because you go out there and claim it, but you must earn it. Loving someone is an emotional acceptance. Accept yourself first. Accept all the responsibilities that come with being a leader of your own life. Here you find emotional freedom. That is why the words I once heard about being humble before you are worthy means so much. Being humble is about letting go of the thoughts of wanting vengeance, being destructive, feeling anger and accepting that leading a wonderful life is the truth of becoming worthy.